Is Anybody Out There?

Its funny to think that so many people read my blog. I wonder why you guys read it? Or who you are? How you found me? What you think about my ramblings? I know my mum reads my blog because I gave her the link and she said that she read my blog to find out more about how my hospital appointment went. I wonder if she got anything new out of it, haha.

So why don't you comment already? Go on, I dares ya! Now my Twinny has gone to Australia for 2 months I'll be commentless...

And to give this post a bit of substance rather than just nonsense, on the health front I'm feeling much less achy than I was. It's still there, but its no where near as bad. However, I'm having other adverse reactions to my tablets. I have to now make the decision as to whether I go back to the GP who misdiagnosed me, or wait until I've managed to register with the new one. I'm thinking the latter. I really don't want to go back to those nincompoops in my old doctors surgery.

The ACTUAL Diagnosis

In my previous post (the one that wasn't Song of the Week...) I wrote the following:

Monday is THE hospital appointment where I find out my results... fibromyalgia? Vitamin D deficiency? Coeliac disease? All will soon be revealed! And I can't wait, although I'm a little nervy about it all. You know, each of those results will change things for me completely one way or the other. Right now I'm in limbo.

I went to see my doctor in London today. Firstly, man was that journey exhausting! It took the majority of the day in travelling and I didn't realise how many stairs there were on the underground and at train stations. All of that for literally a 2 minute appointment!

The results are in, and he told me that... *drum roll* ... I have a vitamin D deficiency. My levels are really really low, and that is what is causing the pain. He said he's seen some people with this issue that can barely walk because of it. So I guess I've caught it quite early! I'm now starting on some Vit D supplements and I'll go back in 6-8 weeks and he said I should be feeling loads better by then. Apparently the deficiency is caused by a bad diet and lack of exposure to the sun. So hubby and I are going to start juicing again and really focus on our fruit/veg intake and reduce our cake/chocolate intake and perhaps manage to book a holiday for Easter? Yes please!!

I am SO happy with that diagnosis. Amazing, praise God! etc etc. It was the diagnosis I was hoping for as it is the one easiest to fix! YAY!!! However, I am NOT happy with my GP. When I first went to see them after the aching began, I was told there was nothing wrong with me and to come back in 4 weeks if it still hurt. Shortly after this, I saw this article on the BBC News website and so went back to my GP to ask them to check my vitamin D levels. She practically refused to do the blood test, saying that last time I was tested she checked for something (I can't remember what she said) and that if I had low vit D it would have shown in that result. When I spoke to my rheumatologist in London about that, he said "that's a load of bollocks" (his actual words!!). My GP then proceeded to tell me that the aches were hormonal, and to take Evening Primrose Oil and just get on with it. (!!!) I went down the whole fibromyalgia route thinking it was what I had because I didn't know any better. The symptoms fit, and no one could seem to find anything wrong with me, until now!

I am so thankful for the opportunity to see one of the top rheumatologists in the country, and I will spread the word to people on the fibro-forum I used to visit just on the off-chance that someone might have the same experience as me.

So watch this space for a much much healthier me, I CANNOT WAIT!!

Random Mish-Mash

I need to post my "Song of the Week" but I can't bear to do it right above the last Song of the Week, so I guess I better post something! (Plus Twinny told me to, and what she says goes I guess!)

This has been a very strange week for me. I started the week feeling pretty good actually, healthwise. Which is a rare but wonderful occurrence. So I managed to make it into work and get lots done, come home and make dinner, do the ironing, watch some TV with hubby etc etc. I was a bit of a whirlwind.

Now? Not so much. I'm off work again. It seems I have made the same age old mistake of doing too much on my good days. I guess I ran out of spoons.

However, putting a brave/positive face on! Monday is THE hospital appointment where I find out my results... fibromyalgia? Vitamin D deficiency? Coeliac disease? All will soon be revealed! And I can't wait, although I'm a little nervy about it all. You know, each of those results will change things for me completely one way or the other. Right now I'm in limbo.

In other news, I had my haircut. Wow, what a girly blog this is turning out to be. Health and haircuts. The excitement! This was a big step for me though because I got brave and said to my hairstylist, "I need something DIFFERENT". So she cut me in a fringe (bangs), as its THE hairstyle for 2009 don't ya know? I have had SO many compliments from people at work about it. Even people I barely know are walking past and saying "have you had your hair done? It looks great! You look younger!" Which is a great thing, and great for the confidence levels. Maybe thats why I've been doing well this week? Hm, who knows.

In other other news, the weekend with my twin has been and gone. It feels like SO long ago, and I do miss her. She's flying off to Oz in a couple of weeks and I'm going to miss her...despite her being so far away already! Haha. The weekend ROCKED. Unfortunately I was not as well as I would have liked to be but we managed a shopping trip, and quick visit to the freezing cold beach, a trip to the zoo and cake decorating. Amongst other things like watching Stardust, one of my favourite movies. So to end this random mish-mash of a post...behold the TIGERS from the zoo.

This is my prayer in the desert...

I've been feeling very low today. About both my job and my health. Mostly about my job to be honest, but I wanted to talk about my health.

I've been ill most of the time since I was 12 years old, and so it is inevitable that at 24 years old I'm starting to get a little weary of it. Understatement of the year. I'm desperate to be well again, and sometimes I get a little frustrated at God over the whole thing. I KNOW he can heal me, but I just don't know why he hasn't yet. Maybe I'm to learn something from this whole experience. I think part of it is to learn how to put my trust and get my strength from Him rather than try and find it in myself. Because I certainly don't have it! I was thinking about it in the car on the way home from work whilst listening to "This is Our God" by Hillsong. The following song came on, and it really encouraged me.

You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease

I trust in You
I trust in You

I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my Portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need

Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands

The line "you hold my world in Your hands" really reminded me that I have nothing to fear in life, and that God will use me and work in me even though my body is suffering. I need to trust Him fully, rather than just half-attempt to trust Him!

Another song on this album, which is my absolute favourite (sung by Brooke Fraser, see Song of the Week a couple of weeks ago!) is "Desert Song".

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame

I will bring praise, I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice, I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

NO weapon formed against me shall remain. Nothing to fear. Isn't that a great thing! I'm so thankful for being brought into the place I am in now, and I really want to grow in Him and learn so much more.

Time to Think

I haven't blogged for a while. That's just the way life goes. Sometimes you have your moments, other times you just...don't. So recently hasn't really been my moment. I think the rest of life kind of got in the way, and I don't mind that at all.

Christmas and New Year were fun. They disappeared into a blur of spending time with our two families and have now faded into mere memories. Good ones. My darling husband bought me a microphone stand, so I will be doing some singing soon I hope!

For the past two days I have been in and out of hospital. First was an appointment to see the rheumatologist. Second was a bone profile scan with a bit of radioactive injection and a lot of laying still. 30 mins of being scanned whilst you have to lay completely still gives you some time to think about some things! Tomorrow I will be going back for a bone density scan. I'm seeing one of the top rheumatologists in the country, so I feel like I'm finally getting somewhere.

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Well, the above feels like a bit of just a boring update. Including a partial apology for not blogging, which is ridiculous as this is MY blog (so there!!) - I was just reading Megan's blog and she was talking about how blogging has turned into some kind of...I don't know what word to give it. So i'm just going to quote her instead, i'm sure she won't mind...

Why do people blog? People don't blog for themselves... that's called journaling. You know, with a pen filling up pages that nobody else reads until you're dead. People blog because they want other people to read what they write and find it interesting and valuable.

It's so true, how a lot of people seek affirmation (that's the word I was looking for!!) from others from what they write. I don't want this blog to be like that. Oh by all means, feel free to comment. It's nice when people are interested in my life. But I do want this blog to be for me, and to feel compelled to write in it, not for affirmation but for release.

At the moment it feels like I'm going into a completely new stage in life. Things are changing, and fairly rapidly. I think back to this time last year, and even two years ago and think wow, how things have changed! Challenges are going to be faced very soon. I'm not sure how I'll cope with them. But what I want to focus on is how to lean on God through all these challenges.

I've been asked to sing at my friend's wedding in October. WOW!! I feel so privileged, even to be asked! They want me as backing vocals for the worship, and then possibly lead vocals for one of the songs, and maybe a song whilst the register is being signed. I'm so nervous about it! But I really want to conquer my fears - the big fear of "what do people think of me?!". I don't want that to hold me back anymore. So yes, I will be singing. ARGH!

Right, I've decided. I want to do a 101 in 1001. (For those of you who don't know, that's 101 goals to meet/things to do in 1001 days...) I'm hoping to think of 101 things, and I shall be using friends lists as inspiration! And looking deep within me to see what I REALLY want in life.

The Working Diagnosis

About a month ago, I was (almost) diagnosed with fibromyalgia. It wasn't an official diagnosis, I have to go see some kind of specialist for that. I guess it has been a slow onset. Thinking back I can remember times whilst at university experiencing similar pains as I have now, just with less severity. Its been so good to get a diagnosis, especially as it explains a lot of the other 'ailments' I've been suffering with over the past 4 years. It makes me feel a little less crazy!

The only thing with fibromyalgia is that it is considered, by the medical profession, to be "uncurable". I'm really struggling with that label hanging over my head. Knowing that when the doctors look at me, they say to me "you'll just have to deal with this the best you can for the rest of your life.....". I don't believe that. I refuse to believe that. Why? Because I believe in a loving and powerful God. The Bible says, he forgives all our sins and heals ALL our diseases. (Psalm 103:3) That includes fibromyalgia. God created me, and knows every intricate part of how my body works.

I can't imagine how it must feel to have this illness and not to have the hope of Christ, and the hope of healing. In fact, imagine going through any difficulty in life and not having that hope?! Wow. I guess I've never really thought about it that clearly before. Imagine going into the current economical climate thinking "I could lose my house, or my job!". Imagine not having the mindset of "God has a plan and a purpose for me".

I need to remind myself every day that God sees me. He sees my pain, and how I have to try and cope with this. But it does make me wonder...for what purpose? I'm looking forward to being able to look back on these years and think to myself, aha! That is why I went through all of it. Don't you just wish you could zoom out and see the bigger picture? Maybe then life would lose its sense of adventure.

For now, I continue to pray for healing. And I'm trying to learn to just have faith in my God. Even though it's difficult, it is better to have hope than to have none at all.